Why Can’t We Say No?

No. It’s one of the shortest words in the English vocabulary, so why is it so hard for some of us to say? I know I’m guilty of it. We are busy, stressed, and overwhelmed, yet we still find it difficult. A client, and now also good friend of mine, Jerri Palumbo, brought this to my attention during one of our conversations. She mentioned that I don’t say NO enough, thus losing valuable time for myself and increasing my stress level. Every time I tried to say why I wasn’t, she interrupted me: “No Jess”, “No Jess”; very annoying but effective. It got me to thinking of how many of us take on things that are not beneficial and not necessary. Many times, when I first talk with clients, they tell me they are not working on what they want to, they don’t feel focused, and they are distracted by unnecessary things. What if they said NO?


I found this concept to be an eye-opening experience for myself, and since I can see the benefits of this in my personal and business life, I couldn’t wait to share this with my clients.


It’s time to learn how to beg off time commitments without the guilt. It’s time to set limits. It’s time to lower stress level and save our sanity!


In my quest to find out more about this subject, I found an intriguing study by William Ury, PhD, co-founder of Harvard University’s Program on Negotiation. This can benefit everyone in their personal or business life.


He developed: “The 5 Steps To No” and shows how you can actually train yourself to stop saying yes when you want to say no – and do it respectfully and thoughtfully.


Step 1: Figure out what you really want. If you’re unclear about how you feel or if someone catches you off guard, give yourself time to think it over before answering. Tell the other person you’ll get back to them at a certain time, and then ask yourself if the request feels right. I think this is the most common problem with me; when asked something, I didn’t think it through. I didn’t feel that it was appropriate to delay, but now I see it’s perfectly acceptable to take the time to think decisions through and not feel guilty about saying NO.


Step 2: Find the yes. Most of the time, when you want to say no, it’s because you need to say yes to something else, such as guarding your money, sanity or time. Look at a given situation and decide where your yes lies. Example: Your sister asks you to cosign a loan. You feel guilty not helping her out. But you aren’t saying no to her – you’re saying yes to protecting your children’s college funds.


Step 3: Don’t babble. You don’t need excuses- just a kind, apologetic, polite attitude. Lengthy explanations leave the matter open to debate and discussion. If you lie, you’ll get in trouble, and if you give too many details, you give the other person wiggle room.


Step 4: Offer what you can. State what could make the no become a yes. Be honest about what you can accomplish: “ I can be on the committee but I really can’t chair it”.


Step 5: Move on. No dwelling, fretting or second-guessing. Enough said.

Comments on this article:

It is even more important to say, “No.” when one is retired. Most people think a retired person has lots of time on their hands and thus is available to do. . . .


Though the typical retiree is following their own priorities rather than the world’s priorities related to working for a living, most retirees are busier now than when they were working.

Reynold Conger

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